When we think about negotiation, we often imagine a formal event that brings discomfort and unease. We gather the courage to advocate for our value, yet sometimes, the person who stands in our way is ourselves. In executive leadership training programs, leaders are taught that negotiation isn’t just about the other party—it’s also about controlling our own emotional reactions.

In my book The Art of Everyday Negotiation without Manipulation, I share stories that illustrate how easily we can negotiate with ourselves and shift leverage based on emotional reactions rather than facts. Jennifer’s story is one of those instances where her emotional state clouded her judgment, leading her down a rabbit hole of assumptions.

The Story of Jennifer: Jennifer is intelligent, thoughtful, and generous. She has experienced great success in her career and often mentors others, showcasing the high-potential leadership traits that have brought her to where she is today. She’s also politically savvy, so when I worked with her during a transition from one role to another, I was surprised by how a simple thank-you note sent her into a weekend of panic.

Subtle Communication: Jennifer was the VP of Finance for a large company, well-respected and ready to make the leap to a C-suite development strategy as a CFO for an adjacent company. This role offered her the chance to present financials to the board, refine infrastructure, and become one of the few female CFOs of her company’s size—a dream she had nurtured.

The interview process was intense. She met with the VC, board members, the CEO, and COO. Despite the grueling nature of the interviews, she felt confident that her leadership skills for executives would be a major asset in the role. The recruiter gave her positive feedback, and all signs pointed to her being the top candidate. Jennifer daydreamed about the role and its potential, imagining how she could make a positive impact, particularly for women in leadership.

After a successful interview with the company president, she needed to send a simple thank-you note—a standard practice in executive leadership workshops. But this is where things went sideways.

The Overthinking Begins: Jennifer spent hours crafting a three-sentence thank-you email. Every word, every phrase was scrutinized for tone, weight, and meaning. She agonized over whether the message was too lighthearted or too serious, wondering what impression it would leave. When she finally sent the email, she felt a mix of relief and fear.

The next day, she received a simple response: “Thanks.”

And with that one word, Jennifer spiraled. What did "Thanks" mean? Was it positive? Negative? Neutral? The more she thought about it, the more convinced she became that she had lost the job. She spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend creating a narrative in which the role had been taken off the table. By the time Monday came around, she had already grieved the loss of an opportunity.

The Outcome: On Monday afternoon, the recruiter called to extend an offer—to her! Jennifer was thrilled, but she had already gone through an emotional rollercoaster based on nothing more than a one-word email.

What happened here? Jennifer, like many of us, had negotiated with herself. She created high stakes where none existed. This kind of self-negotiation happens often in leadership pipeline development, when we’re in transition or waiting for important decisions. Without outside perspective or clarity, our emotions can lead us down unhelpful paths.

Lessons for Executive Leaders: This story teaches us a valuable lesson about executive resilience training: emotional triggers can cause us to fill in the gaps with assumptions that aren't based on facts. Jennifer’s emotional reaction clouded her ability to see the reality of the situation. Best practices in executive decision-making emphasize the need for objective thinking and detachment from emotional responses in high-stakes situations.

What could Jennifer have done differently?

1. Explore Options: Continuing to explore other job opportunities would have kept her from putting all her emotional energy into one outcome. C-suite development strategies often stress the importance of having multiple options on the table.
2. Seek Outside Perspective: Having a trusted advisor or mentor—a common theme in executive coaching services—could have helped Jennifer stay grounded and see the situation more objectively.
3. Stick to the Facts: Sticking with the facts rather than reacting to a perceived slight would have saved Jennifer a weekend of worry. In executive leadership workshops, we often teach that emotions can cloud judgment and create unnecessary stress.

Conclusion: Jennifer’s story is a reminder that sometimes, we are our own worst negotiators. We can easily get in our own way by creating fictitious narratives based on emotional triggers. For leaders undergoing leadership transition coaching, it’s crucial to identify these moments and stick to the facts. Recognizing when you’re triggered and taking a step back can help you remain objective, focused, and successful in any negotiation or career move.

As Jennifer and I laugh about it now, we realize how often we do this to ourselves. What about you? Have you ever gotten in your own way during a negotiation? Recognizing and managing these moments is a critical part of strategic leadership development.



Takeaway: Next time you find yourself overthinking or spiraling, stop and ask: Am I filling in the blanks with facts, or am I letting my emotions take over? Learning how to negotiate with yourself is just as important as negotiating with others.